Ahem.

1. There is no news outlet in the world that genuinely wants you, Donald J. Trump, to stop using Twitter. Donald Trump on Twitter is a golden ticket to a Wonka-esque land of crackpot theories and loud burping noises. In past years CNN would have to shoot down a commercial airliner to get the same sort of consistent news fodder that you, Donald J. Trump, provide them on a daily basis. There are indeed people in the country who want you to stop using Twitter; many of them work in the same building you do.

2. So which idiot in Donald Trump's immediate line of vision is telling him that the "media" does not want him to tweet? How did this come up? Who was the poor sap that gently suggested to Donald Trump that his lawyers would greatly prefer he shut his enormous onion-scented trap for two sodding seconds, and how many seconds after that suggestion did it take for Donald Trump to deduce that this pitiable administration nobody was in fact a plant for his old nemesis, Mean Guy He Saw On TV?

3. What (and this is just idle curiosity at this point) is the "FAKE MSM"?


Is the implication that the "mainstream media," using a term already intended as derogatory, is itself also fake? Not that the news they report is fake, but that, say, the Washington Post does not actually exist? That it is merely a sheet with eye holes cut into it or a combination of projector and fog machine, in accordance with the rules of Scooby Doo villains? Are we progressing from the assertion that specific stories Donald doesn't like are "fake" to a new notion that the entire concept of "the press" is itself a fiction, a conspiracy against him by unseen forces? Or is this just an accidental word jumble, a byproduct of the man squatting in the most powerful office in the world being only a half-step above illiteracy or dementia?

4. Is there, like, some bell that rings somewhere in the bowels of hell when Donald J. Trump uses the word "honest" in a sentence? Does a puppy somewhere in the world lose its tail? Is a tornado spawned over Kansas? It does not feel like the universe would allow such a thing to happen without somewhere, alarming repercussions.

5. Why is "Social Media" capitalized, like a brand name? Does Donald believe the—you know what, never mind. You do you, Donald. It's not like we're going to have you to kick around much longer. Fight the FAKE MSM, buddy, one tweet at at time.