Stung by the “fake news” of Rex Tillerson being smarter than he is, Donald Trump demanded satisfaction and challenged Tillerson and others to a duel:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an I.Q.-test tournament devised by Donald Trump to determine the smartest person in his Administration, Trump suffered a humiliating defeat on Tuesday, getting knocked out in the first round by Education Secretary Betsy DeVos.
Trump had personally created the brackets for the tournament, which he had hoped would lead to an I.Q.-championship showdown between him and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
“He was determined to face Betsy in the first round,” a White House source said of Trump. “He thought it would be like a bye week.”
“It had been a while since he had taken an I.Q. test,” the source said. “He had forgotten there was a spelling section.”
The first word of the round was “catalog.” DeVos crowed when she had the correct spelling, saying, “I knew it had to do with pets! The school kids will love this!”
The next word was “teleprompter,” which DeVos also got right. Trump objected that the match was rigged because how else could you have one word with an “a” and another word exactly like it with an “e?” DeVos exclaimed, “I knew it had to do with dances! The kids will love this!”
The event was terminated abruptly when Meister Shitnick, the test moderator, began tearing at his hair and declaiming, “I’m going to take my life!” He was given a sedative and the IQ test was rescheduled.
DeVos was ecstatic, however, and went on to give a press conference, praising her opponent. “Honestly, people, what are you worried about with Donald’s IQ? I mean, would a moron have hired me?”