Praise the Lord, Garrison Keillor has decided to publish an epistle again, this time admonishing we of little faith to recognize the great bounty the Lord has granted us in Judge Roy Moore, His will be done. Washington Post:
“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.” It couldn’t be clearer. And our country is flooded with them. Currency, photo IDs, the Sunday rotogravure, high school yearbooks, television and movies, National Geographic. And the iPhone, an abomination to the Lord. Liberal theologians can try to talk this away but God has made it clear that when you print, or engrave, a picture, you are violating His law. You can draw or paint whatever you’d like, but when you make copies, your soul is in danger. Xerox, beware. [...]
We have weapons we can use in the war against profanity, if we choose to use them. The very same algorithms that produce graven images on iPhones can be reversed and used to detect cursing anywhere nearby. The phone can be programmed to sound an alarm and to send powerful electrical currents into the body of the malefactor and render him or her inert and insensate so that he or she can be handed over to the elders for stoning. Your establishment Republicans believe in light stoning, using handfuls of gravel, but Scripture is clear about this: We must use rocks so that the stoning results in death.
Let us be honest here. There are too many people in this country. You know it and I know it. When we reduce the excess population by stoning and become a nation of 10 million or 15 million, this country will be a paradise. You’ll be able to drive and not languish in traffic. No waiting for tee times. Our enemies will be gone, all of them, bonked to death, and we will gain their homes and their wives and their cleaning ladies. It will be perfect.
A vote for Roy Moore is a vote for a return to basics, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a rock for a rock. Moore will build stoning centers in every city. Right now he is working with Ivanka on the design of Roystones, which will be the ultimate in fashion projectiles — except for the stationary ones the size of Easter Island statues, carved in Moore’s likeness, which will adorn the entrance of every stoning center in every city in the land, large and small; for Moore is no respecter of persons — and that’s a fact. With Roy Moore in charge you won’t have to worry about whether America will become great again, because you won’t live long enough to see it.