Please, no questions about identity, as I’m sure you know I have to protect my sources if I’m going to continue to get these little golden turds. Let’s just say it’s “an anonymous source close to the White House press office.” And now, with no further ado, here is the advance copy of Sarah Cluckabee Slanders upcoming statement on former aide Rick Gates to be read at the daily briefing;
Good morning guys. I have a short statement from the President regarding the developments of Rick Gates cooperating with the Special Counsel’s office, and then I’ll be happy to take your questions until I get tired of getting my ass kicked up here.
The President was saddened to hear that former campaign aide Rick Gates has agreed to plead guilty to whatever charges Special Counsel Mueller has cooked up against him. He said it reminded him of the Ray Charles line in The Blues Brothers; “It breaks my heart, seeing a boy that young go bad.” Rick Gates was not a direct hire of the Trump campaign, but came over as an associate of Paul Manafort, and I would like to stress again that Mr Manafort was only with the campaign for a very short period of time, and had almost no impact on the operation or outcome of the campaign. In fact, as I stated repeatedly, The President was such a fundamental force in the campaign that there was really nobody but him that had any real effect or impact on the campaign, he did everything but empty the wastebaskets.
When I asked the President, he stated that he was unable to recall ever actually meeting Mr Gates personally, he was that minor of a figure in the campaign. In fact, nobody I spoke to who was with the campaign at the time Mr Gates was here can remember actually seeing him, although one staffer said that she seemed to remember a kind of balding guy who would stir in the creamer and sugar when George Papadopoulos was getting the coffee ready.
Whatever personal shenanigans Paul Manafort and Rick Gates were getting into with Ukrainian oligarchs on their own time is no reflection on this campaign, and I would like to once again remind everybody that other than the President, the entire campaign was too incompetent to even collude with each other, much less a foreign power. And I’d like to remind everybody that last Friday’s indictments proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and any Russians, and that any attempted Russian interference had no effect on the outcome of the election. Russian President Putin has far too much respect to even attempt to advise then candidate Trump on how to run a campaign, and the President’s feelings towards President Putin are reciprocal.
That being said, I’ll be happy to take your guys questions on the Peruvian rain forest, and please all, stay on topic with your questions.
A note from the author: If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy my e-book, President Evil: A common man looks at Trump and the 2016 GOP primaries.